


The Red Resurgence

by inbetweenfractals



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Gen, Red - Freeform, various other characters as well
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-07
Updated: 2020-04-08
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:41:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,461
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23536216
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inbetweenfractals/pseuds/inbetweenfractals
Summary: After a particularly nasty knock to the head, Allen reverts to his previous personality as Red. This does not lead to great relations with a Black Order that is monitoring him for awakening to the Fourteenth's personality.Set between the Phantom Thief G arc and the Alma Karma arc.
Comments: 13
Kudos: 69





	1. reversion

**Author's Note:**

> Originally, I wrote this fic in 2012 on ff dot net (same title, my old author name). With all this endless free time I have now, I decided to do something I had thought about for a while - rewrite and finish the damn thing! So hopefully you enjoy, and if anyone here remembers the original fic somehow, well, I hope you doubly enjoy.

The last thing he saw was a rush of cloudy gray sky.

"Ahh, ah - "

Pain was a blossom blooming, swollen petals emananting from the back of his skull. Voices surrounded him, but their words didn't make sense. Just so many disjointed syllables. The only thing solid was the ground beneath him, but he didn't know why he was lying on it, or why he felt so cold.

Pressure on his shoulder. A hand. That much he can understand.

"Is he dead?"

The gray sky dimmed and darkened as Allen Walker disappeared.

_He knew it was a dream. He doesn't get to be happy, he knew that._

_But his hand, his bad hand, was held in a warm, warm grasp. Laughter bubbled up and out of his throat. He had been alone before, but now he is so happy. So happy. Buoyant as a balloon on a clown's breath._

_"Mana!" he cried. "You walk too fast, slow down!"_

_Mana hadn't been walking too fast, really. No, what he wanted was for Mana to turn around, look at him, and smile. Smile Mana did as he turned around. "You just have to keep walking," he said, voice as warm and deep as a cello. "Just keep walking forward, Allen."_

_He felt discomforted at the name. 'Allen' was a dog six feet under. He certainly wasn't 'Allen,' not really. He wasn't anyone. But if this name let him stay with Mana, well. Maybe it was okay._

_This wouldn't last forever, nothing did._

_But for a time, it would be okay._

_He tripped over a rock, his hand slipping out of Mana's. He didn't stop to rub his smarting toe, just looked up at Mana, who should have stopped to wait for him._

_But Mana wasn't there._

_He jumped up, ignoring the pain that was suddenly threatening to consume him, and looked around wildly._

_Mana wasn't there._

_He called out, but no answer came. He ran in the direction he thought Mana had gone, but it was suddenly very dark and he couldn't see a thing._

_Mana wasn't there._

_Mana wasn't anywhere._

_Curling small, bony arms around himself, he sank down in the middle of the path. He was so tired and in so much pain - he couldn't walk any further. He rocked slowly, sobbing softly._

_Maybe if he had just accepted being Allen. Maybe if he had been better. Maybe if he had been any good at all._

_Maybe then, Mana wouldn't have left him._

When he woke, he could feel tears escaping the corners of his eyes, slipping down his cheeks. He immediately loathed himself for that weakness: for sleeping somewhere he didn't recognize, in a real bed; and for crying, of course.

Last thing he had known, some great force had hit him, knocking him head-first into the ground. What had done that? Had Cosimo beaten him again?

No, he hadn't seen Cosimo in years. An _akuma_ had done this.

 _Akuma_?

What in the hell was that?

As he shifted slightly, trying to get his bearings, he realized he wasn't a child anymore. His body was too big, too muscular. He was a teenager now, not whatever age he'd been before. Nine? Ten?

Damn, his head felt all screwed up. He groaned.

"Oi, Nurse! He made a noise!" a voice shouted. He couldn't help but wince away from the sound.

"No need to yell!" a matronly voice scolded. "We all have ears, just as well as you do."

"Yes'm," said the young male voice, subdued.

"Is Allen okay, do you think?" a young woman asked.

A cool palm pressed to his forehead. That was _it_! Red jerked upward into a sitting position, slapping the offending hand away. "Don't touch me!" he snarled, snapping open his eyes.

The light in the room was brilliant, making his eyes sting. As far as he could tell, he was in an infirmary of some sort, that much was clear from the neat lines of beds with crisp white sheets. Red didn't think he'd ever seen such a clean or orderly place in his life. Yet the place was familiar, as if he had been here before.

Around him were three people: a middle-aged nurse, a young woman with hair just long enough to touch her chin, and a guy with hair even redder than his and an eye patch. They all looked taken aback, the nurse rubbing her hand where he had hit her.

He felt a little sorry at that. He didn't like hurting people. But sometimes it was necessary to prove you were strong. Because if you were strong enough to hurt others, you were strong enough not to be hurt.

...right? So why didn't he like the way they were looking at him?

The girl appeared to compose herself first. Tucking a strand of hair behind her ear, she asked, "Allen, are you alright?"

Red glared at her stonily. He wasn't 'Allen.' He'd taken that name for Mana, and Mana sure as hell wasn't here now. An ache settled in his chest as he remembered Mana. How many years had it been since he had died?

How long since Red had tried to bring him back from the dead?

Wait - what?

"Allen?" the girl said again.

"Why are you asking about the old man's dead dog?" he responded, deliberately obtuse.

"Dog...?" the guy repeated.

"Fuck this," Red muttered, throwing the sheets off his body and swinging his legs over the side of the bed. He tried to stand up, but he immediately felt woozy and fell back on the bed. "Fuck!"

"Young man, there is no need for such language!" Oh great, now the nurse was scolding _him_. "And don't get up yet! You haven't been awake for days - you suffered a bad blow to the head. You shouldn't be going anywhere."

"Fine, fine, I figured that out already, thanks," Red said through gritted teeth. "Is that why everything is messed up to hell?"

"I - I guess," the girl said, looking a little nervous. Why? Was she _scared_ of him? Of a bedridden boy who could barely remember what had gone on the last half decade or so?

"Lenalee, fetch your brother," the redhead said. "I think it's best we get him now."

"Right," the girl - Lenalee - nodded. She looked better with a purpose. Looked right. And then she was gone, pratically flying out the door.

While she was gone and apparently getting her brother, the guy looked at him, single green eye intent upon his face. Red shifted under the scrutiny and looked away.

"Do you know where you are?"

"The infirmary of the Order's European branch," Red answered, barely registering the words until they fell out of his mouth.

The Order? They fought those... _akuma_ , right?

And something else. Something like him.

Shit! Was he amongst total enemies? But they hadn't treated him like an enemy yet, just asked him questions. With concern. Why were they concerned about him?

"And you remember me?"

Red squinted at him. "...Lavi."

"So you do remember." The redhead sat back. "You're still you, then?"

"Who else would I be?" Red muttered uncomfortably.

But the question hurt. Like pressing a finger into an open wound. He wasn't 'Allen,' not really. But that seemed to be who they expected him to be. And yet there was something else, lying under the surface. A hidden tension.

Before Lavi could ask anymore questions or Red could start, the door burst open. The girl, Lenalee, looked fine, but her brother was red-faced and puffing. "The Fourteenth?" he gasped, leaning against the door as soon as it was closed behind him.

Lavi shook his head. "Doesn't seem like it, but I'm not sure."

Red stared back at them when they all turned to look at him. The Fourteenth?

The name reminded him of something. Mana's song, his strange, alien characters. _I am here_.

But Mana wasn't the Fourteenth. And these people seemed to think _he_ was.

But - he wasn't? He didn't even know what it was the fourteenth of!

"Allen," the brother said slowly. "Are you still you? Your Innocence - it isn't rejecting you, is it?"

Red could not remember if he had ever been innocent. Innocence was not exactly a trait cultivated in street brats.

But this didn't sound like a trait reserved for well-loved children. This sounded like...

A weapon?

Unthinking, he flexed his arm. His left arm. Which he shouldn't be able to move well at all. Mana had despaired of ever teaching him to juggle because of it.

He looked down and saw that his hand was no longer the devil's red. Instead it was a sleek black, the cross embedded in the back of his hand now a shining white mark.

"The hell...?" he murmured. Between the now _black_ arm and the white strands of hair he can see in his peripheral vision, he wasn't exactly _Red_ anymore, was he?

But he wasn't Allen. Not 'Allen' at all, really. But he didn't think he was the Fourteenth either.

He was...just Red.

Just...Red.

"You don't sound at all like Allen," Lenalee said, stepping back. Something jangled around her ankles - a weapon! Innocence? "Who are you?"

"I'm not 'Allen,'" Red agreed warily. "I'm Red."


	2. hello world

Although the pronouncement _I'm Red_ cause a minor uproar, Red stubbornly refused to answer anything else until he could see a mirror. 

"A mirror!" he repeated irritably, for the umpteenth time. "I just want to see a goddamn mirror!"

"Fine," Komui, the brother, eventually relented. "We'll get you a mirror, and then you'll answer as best you can, yes?"

Red resisted the urge to roll his eyes. " _Yes_ , fine. Mirror. Now."

"Lena - "

But Lenalee was already on it, handing Red a small mirror with a tentative smile on her face. Red was unimpressed. _How fake_. Red took the mirror from her, nodding curtly.

He looked down at his reflection. 

He had already known his hair had gone white, but that was only part of it all. The face staring back up at him was definitely that of a teenager, not a child. He'd estimate about sixteen, give or take a year or so. Somehow, his face had gotten rounder, the hollows under his cheekbones smoothed out. The skin was paler than he was used to, like he wasn't constantly outside and sunburned. Only the eyes looked right, gray as the stormy sky in Britain.

But that _scar_...

The scar was a silvery pink, making a sharp line through his eye and down the left side of his face. With a scar like that, Red wasn't sure how he hadn't lost the eye. And, just barely covered by his hair, Red could see that it began as a pentacle. That sure wasn't normal.

It was a curse.

Just like the _akuma_ , it bound him to this earth. But instead of mangling his soul, he hoped, it did what he vaguely remembered: allowed him to see the true form of the _akuma_.

Clutching the mirror with his left hand so hard he was half-afraid he'd crack it, Red traced the line of the scar with a trembling finger.

Mana had given this to him. Had cursed him. When he tried to bring Mana back from the grave, Mana had hurt him.

And then he'd hurt Mana, destroying the body that contained him with the same arm that held the mirror now.

He dropped it into his lap, but not before seeing a shadow grinning behind him. It had its hands placed on his shoulders, in a mockery of a parental gesture. Red knew what it was.

The Fourteenth's shadow.

He looked up at the others, who watched him silently. God, was he shaking? He was shaking.

It was Lenalee who broke the silence. "Are you okay?"

"No!" Red snapped. He drew his legs up to his torso, the mirror caught between this thighs and his abdomen. He buried his head into his knees. "I don't know what's going on!"

 _Mana_. Grief threatened to overwhelm him; he wrapped his arms around his legs and held on tight. "Mana's dead. I tried to - he - I _destroyed_ him!"

Lenalee's light hand came to rest on his shoulder. She gave a gentle squeeze. As upset as he was, he didn't shake her off.

"Brother," he heard her say. "This _must_ be Allen. He's not the Fourteenth."

"Something's wrong with his memory," he heard Lavi say. "He's Allen, but I don't think he remembers _being_ Allen."

Oh, that made a lot of sense in a terrible way. He must have lived as 'Allen' for the last several years. Why? Was it because it was what Mana had called him? He just couldn't quite remember.

But...

"Think you're right," Red mumbled. 

The tension abruptly drained out of him. Releasing his legs, he fell back on the bed. The mirror slipped and fell, but Lenalee managed to catch it just in time, before it could hit the ground and shatter. But he felt like he himself were falling, and he doubted anyone would catch him before he shattered.

"Allen?"

"Red," he insisted, but the darkness was coming. And then, Red was gone.

When Red woke again, it was to overpowering hunger.

He moaned, clutching his stomach. Why was he so damned hungry? He recalled vaguely that the nurse said he'd been out for days, so it was clear he hadn't eaten in a while. But he'd missed meals all the time as a kid and been, uh, _just fine_. So why did it hurt so bad now?

"Yo, A- uh, Red! You up?"

Lavi's voice. Red opened his eyes and turned his head to see Lavi closing a book. 

"Obviously." Red sat up slowly, grimacing. He slipped his legs to the side of the bed and contemplated standing. Hopefully he wouldn't fall over this time.

"Whatcha doing?"

Red glared at Lavi, feeling massively irritable. "I'm starving and I'm gonna go eat something."

"Ah. Nurse won't like it if you leave without permission. Why don't I call her and have her bring you something?"

"She can shove her permission for all I care. Not a fucking invalid," Red grumbled. He pushed up with his hands and stood - and immediately stumbled. Lavi was there in an instant, extending a steadying arm. As Red swatted him way, he could see that Lavi's other arm was in a sling.

"What happened there?" Red asked disinterestedly, mostly focusing on his balance.

"Oh, this?" Lavi asked, following Red's gaze. "Busted it after you nearly had your skull bashed in. Got the _akuma_ that did it back for it though." He grinned, somewhat malevolently. Red noticed the guy often grinned or smirked or whatever, but never showed a true smile. _Fake_. "I was surpsied though, when you just conked out. Usually your Innocence makes you fight, even when unconscious. You must have been in a real bad way."

"Great," Red muttered. He had no idea what it meant for him to fight while unconscious, and he wasn't sure he wanted to know. He stepped away from the bed and Lavi's reach. This time he didn't stumble or fall.

"Well, wait a minute!" Lavi cried. "I'll come with."

Red glanced at him. "Why?"

"Nurse'll be less likely to slaughter you once she hunts you down if I'm there, that's why," Lavi replied cheerfully.

 _Fake_.

Red shrugged in response. Lavi was persistent to a fault, that much he could remember. And he really needed to eat. Letting Lavi win without a fight was complacent, and he wasn't happy about it.

The two left the infirmary quietly, made a few turns, then began walking dow the long hall towards the cafeteria. Red was struck by how few people there were. In fact, he and Lavi were the only ones in the hallway. "Where's all the - where's everyone?"

"Welllllll, it _is_ five in the morning. Only the Science Division guys are still up from last night. And, lucky for us, the cafeteria staff get up early to prep."

"Then why are _you_ awake?" Red questioned, looking askance at his companion.

A single brilliant green eye drifted to the side. "I was reading. Just woke up early and decided to read."

Sure. Red knew that meant Lavi had been keeping an eye on him. "Sure."

Red turned his eyes forward and didn't speak until they reached the cafeteria. Once he reached the order window, he rapped it with his knuckles. His left arm again. It didn't hurt the knuckles like it would have his more normal arm, but the dexterity with which it moved was definitely new. 

A man's head popped out. "Hey there, Allen! What would you like this time?"

Red rattled off a list of foods, the length of which only seemed to unsettle _him_. He did so without a single _would you please_ or _thank you_. The man only smiled at his apparent rudeness, saying, "Early morning, huh? I'll have it all out for you in a minute, sweetheart."

Red nodded silently and went to sit at a table nearby as Lavi ordered.

"I'm amazed," Lavi remarked when he sat down next to Red. "You didn't snap at Jerry when he called you Allen."

"I don't screw with a meal ticket," Red told him seriously.

Lavi looked as if Red had reached over and slapped him. "He's - what, a meal ticket to you? I thought he was your friend!"

Red bristled at that. "He might be 'Allen's' friend. Not mine, got it? I don't need anything like friends."

"You don't need friends?" There was a hint of desperation to Lavi's voice that Red didn't understand.

"Course not," Red said. "Soon as I get a chance, I'll be outta here."

"And you think that'd make you happy?" Lavi asked quietly.

"Don't know what that matters," Red answered honestly.

Before Lavi could respond, the man - Jerry - arrived with a cart heaped with food. "Here are your meals, sweet boys!" And then he was off, in a whirl of purple braids and white cloth.

Red set his attention to eating, studiously not noticing as Lavi's lips dipped into a frown.


	3. hideaway

The two had nearly finished their meals when the Golem Announcement System crackled to life overhead. In Komui's voice, the G.A. System boomed, "Would Allen Walker come to my office immediately please."

It repeated the sentence a couple times more, then shut off with a click.

Red stood, sated enough to leave the remnants of his meal behind. Lavi stood as well. "He didn't call _you_ ," Red said. 

"What, think you could get rid of little old me?" Lavi asked in a light tone of voice, an easy grin spreading across his face. _Fake_. "Nah, I just gotta be there to watch how everything plays out."

"Suit yourself."

They walked to Komui's office in relative silence. Lavi kept trying to break it, making jokes about Red's attitude problems. Rew scowled, a dark expression that only grew darker and tigheter as Lavi's teasing grew steadily more annoying.

But he said nothing, thinking.

They probably still thought he was being possessed by the Fourteenth right now, or whatever. Like he'd just knuckle under!

But it was a scary thing to contemplate, for two reasons. The first was that his memory sucked right now. Maybe he really was falling to the Fourteenth. He didn't think he was, but he didn't know. What did being the Fourteenth feel like? Red was rough, Allen was slick and smooth, the Fourteenth was...?

The other reason was that if they really thought he was the Fourteenth, he was screwed. He imagined them locking him up forever, or maybe just offing him because he was useless. Either way, he'd never be able to get out of this shitty place.

 _Dammit_!

He snapped out of these dark thoughts as Lavi called him a beansprout. Beansprout?? "Like you're one to talk!"

"What do you mean by that?" Lavi sounded genuinely curious.

"You also lack in the appearance department, one eye."

At that comment, Lavi abruptly shut up, and Red breathed an internal sigh of relief.

At last they entered Komui's office. Both Komui and Lenalee were waiting inside, the former raising an eyebrow at the boys' silence. Lenalee jumped up from the crouch and closed the distance between them in a few purposeful strides. "Are you alright?" she asked. "The nurse told us you had left."

Red instantly understood that she wanted an 'Allen' response: a smile, something nice to say. Maybe even that practiced blush. Red, however, felt no interest in doing any of that, so he just shrugged his shoulders. He watched as Lavi painted on a grin - _fake!_ \- and told her they had just gone to eat something, that's all.

Lenalee nodded and turned to Red. "Are you feeling better, Allen?" She immediately clapped a hand to her mouth. "Sorry! Red."

Red wanted to snarl and snap, _I'm not him!_ The words were nearly out of his mouth before he stopped himself. Both Komui and Lavi tensed, seeing the expression on his face, and Red got the sense neither would be pleased if he chewed out Lenalee. While he didn't exactly care about keeping any of them happy, he knew that if he pissed them off totally he'd be hosed.

He just wanted to be far away from these people, where no one could hurt him. 

Suddenly, Red felt very tired. He forced himself not to sway and screwed up his face in what he hoped was a long suffering manner. "Look, all, it's far more irritating for you to stumble all over yourselves saying sorry all the goddamn time, than for you to just call me 'Allen.' So call me 'Allen' if it makes you happier."

"Good!" Komui said, speaking for the first time. He came over to Red, nimbly avoiding the unsteady stacks of documents on his way. "That will help us hide you from Central!"

"Why's that?" Red asked, taking a small step back. Without thinking, and against his better interested, he continued, "Don'tcha think I'm that - that Fourteenth or whatever?"

"Are you?" Komui asked, peering down at him through his glasses.

"Course not!" Red snarled. From the sudden absence of warmth, he knew without looking that Lenalee had stepped away from him.

Komui clasped his hands together, a smile breaking out on his face as if Red had answered politely. "I didn't think so either. Tim!"

From underneath one of the piles, a golden ball flew up, shedding papers as it went. Red recognized it immediately as Timcanpy, the golem that his former, ugh, _master_ had owned. That cigarette smoking bastard...what was his name? 

The golden golem zipped over to settle on top of Red's head, causing him to twitch irritably.

Komui spoke as if oblivious to Red's discomfort: "I was reviewing Timcanpy's available files. Before your time with General Cross, there are very few accessible files, but there were indeed a few that included you."

Red clenched his teeth to keep his mouth from opening. So Cross had stalked him before taking him in? If so, why hadn't he saved Mana? If not from death, at least from that horrible night Red had tried to bring him back?

"You were quite different as a kid!" Komui blathered on. "From what I've seen, I've surmised that 'Red' is what you were like as a younger child, and 'Allen' as we know you is the persona you took on. That eventually became you, and 'Red' was shoved into the background. But with that hit on your head and subsequent memory issues, you shifted back to who you used to be. That all sound about right?"

It took a moment for Red to catch it all up in his head, but once he did, it sounded like it was probably true. He glanced at Lavi and Lenalee, but neither looked at all lost. Komui must have explained this to them when Red had been unconscious again.

Red crossed his arms and nodded shortly. "I guess. But what are you gonna do 'bout everyone else? They're still gonna get the wrong impression."

"If we're careful, we can hide this from Central until we can fix it," Komui told him.

 _Fix it_? Red didn't like the sound of that. Before he could say as much, Lavi added, "The only problems will really be Link and your _friends_."

Red shot a glare at him. He had not missed the emphasis on the word 'friends.' But he forced himself to say simply, "Link?"

"Link is the Central guy observing you," Lavi supplied. "You probably can't pull a fast one on him that easy."

"But!" Komui interjected. "Right now he's in Central until the end of the week, so we have a little time to figure this all out."

"You mean 'fix' me," Red said flatly. Komui frowned, but Red barreled on, "What about anyone else that knows me?"

"I think," Lenalee began, "With our friends you should just be yourself. You're basically the same person, right?"

She smiled at Red, but he was unmoved. "Uh huh."

"Might want to scowl less though," Lavi said, swinging an arm around him. Red shrugged him off roughly and glared at him sharply. The golem was one thing, he didn't think he could get it to go away if he tried, but he wasn't 'bout to get all touchy-feely with these people.

"The only other person who knows of this right now is the nurse, and she is very discreet," Komui said.

"And I'll be telling Bookman, of course," Lavi said.

"Ah, of course. So, you three? Do you all understand?" Red nodded along with Lavi and Lenalee.

"Good!" Komui beamed. He turned to Red and held out a hand to shake. Red didn't take it. With no damage to his enthusiasm, Komui dropped the hand and said, "Welcome to the ranks, then. I'd throw you a welcome party if I could! But, times being what they are, I don't think I can. Perhaps we should catch coffee later?"

Red nodded again, but thought privately that this was likely just an excuse for Komui to avoid work.

"Tim," Komui said, turning away, "I need you to help me sift through some of this information for a while longer."

Timcanpy made a _gah_ sound and flew over to the scientist.

Red felt massively uncomfortable as he left with the other two exorcists - and boy, was that a weird term to apply to himself. _Exorcist_. Obviously these people had some sort of misplaced trust in him - he certainly did not reciprocate. He almost wished they didn't trust him at all.

At least then, he would understand.

The three doubled back to the infirmary to make sure Red got the nurse's blessing to be out and about. After one particularly painful prod to the back of his skull, Red spun around and snarled, "Dammit! Are you _quite_ finished yet?"

The nurse stepped back, looking as angry as he felt. "I nearly am, young man. There is no need for curses."

After a lengthy lecture on not participating in strenuous activity and returning to the infirmary for sleep, the nurse gave him her reluctant blessing.

"And remember," she called after them as they left, "I will enforce a curfew if I must!"

"I'd like to see you try, you old hag!" Red shouted back, slamming the door behind him. He could hear her exclaim, _Why, I never!_ on the other side, but took no notice, stalking forward several steps.

He paused and looked back. Lenalee was watching him, lips slightly pursed. "Is that really how you're going to speak to her? She was only trying to help."

"I could've been ruder," Red said to her.

"Ha, no denying that, mate," Lavi exclaimed. "So you do actually know you're being rude. Well, acknowledgement is the first step towards change, I guess," he sighed dramatically. Then, quietly, he said, "But seriously, _Allen,_ she's saved you a dozen times over with her treatment. You shouldn't bite her ear off."

"Saving someone means jack and you know it," Red replied.

"Uh, I don't know it, actually. How do you figure?"

Red shrugged. Almost flippantly, he said, "Someone feeds you one moment, beats you the next. Pulls you outta the way of someone else's blow just so you'll do what they want. It's a fucking racket."

Lenalee inhaled sharply.

"What?" Red asked, side eyeing her. 

"No one here would seriously mean to hurt you, not like that," she said. "We're all comrades. Please, you have to trust us."

"No, I don't," Red told her sharply. "But no one will hurt me like that now. Reckon I'm a better fighter than I used to be."

And he smiled at that, quick and sharp, like the blade of a knife sliding home.

Even so, the smile felt brittle.

He didn't like that at all, and the smile quickly fell from his face. But he was saved from whatever the others might say next by a voice calling to them from behind. "Allen! Are you doing better?"

"Johnny!" Lenalee said, as they turned to see a guy in big, shiny glasses and a white lab coat hurrying down the hall towards them.

"Sure," Red answered. "I'm better as in conscious."

Lavi glanced at him, but Red ignored it. Johnny, however, rushed forward to hug Red, tears flowing from under those ridiculous glasses. "I'm so glad you're alright!"

Red's reaction was instantaneous, instinctual. He slipped sideways out of Johnny's arms and shoved him to the floor roughly.

"A-Allen?" Johnny whispered, shaken.

"Oh, I wouldn't say alright, exactly," Lavi muttered, bending down to offer Johnny his good hand.

As Johnny was helped up, Lenalee marched over to Red and slapped him.

"Ow!" He cried, reflex tears leaking out of the edges of his eyes. Tears were in her eyes too, but they looked more like she was angry. He brought a hand to his smarting cheek, not really comprehending her reaction. "What did you do that for?"

Her face flushed red. "What did _you_ do _that_ for?" she shrieked at him, gesturing at Johnny who still clutched Lavi's hand like a lifeline.

Red stepped forward, hissing at her, "If anyone touches me like that, they get what's coming to 'em!"

"He was trying to hug you!" she whispered back angrily. "He's your friend!"

"I don't need any goddamn - "

"Um."

They stopped. Johnny continued, "What's going on? Allen, it's as if...you...aren't...you."

Lavi and Lenalee glanced at Red. The girl still looked furious with him; Red was sure she wasn't done yelling at him. But she didn't say a word.

Red might have agreed with Johnny, just to further piss the others off, but then he thought better of it. Watching Johnny carefully, he said quietly, in measured tones, "Oh, I've been feeling a little unwell, that's all." He smiled at Johnny. It was a very conscious attempt: he had to push the edges of his lips upwards just enough, to crinkle the edges of his eyes just right, and to warm his cheeks with a bashful flush. "Being touched makes me...very uncomfortable right now, so I'd appreciate it if you avoided that."

Just out of Johnny's line of sight, Lavi gaped at Red.

Johnny stilled looked nervous, but said, "Oh! I'm sorry then! I can let the others know you're up but unwell still, keep them from doing what I just did..." He trailed off, then continued hurriedly, "Ah, I forgot! I was going to get coffee for the team - we've been up all night working on a better range for our golems, but because the coffee maker is broken, they just sent me to get some."

Red wondered how they could design golems but not fix their coffee maker.

"I'll come with you," Lenalee said, smiling. Red didn't like that smile, not one bit. "We can carry more together."

"Ah, thank you! Um, see you, Lavi, Allen." Johnny waved, and he and Lenalee set off to the cafeteria.

Red glanced at Lavi, who hadn't been able to pick up his jaw off the floor, apparently. He scowled at him. "What?"

"Oh, nothing," Lavi replied. "I'm just shocked you could act just like Allen."

"Course I can," Red said. _Just act like Mana_. "But why should I? I don't exist to please you."

Lavi sighed, rubbing his neck with his good hand. "You try to bite everyone you meet, it seems! You're just like a wounded dog, aren't you, lashing out at anyone and everyone."

Red remembered _red_.

_The dog was dead. Red was the color of the blood matting its fur. One of its legs was twisted the wrong way, broken. The boy walked forward to peer down into the open grave, over the clown's shoulder._

_Although it was obvious, he asked, "Is it dead?"_

_He didn't understand why the thought hurt so much. Another memory, already fading: a warm tongue, a little rough in texture but still soft, licked his bad hand, bringing feeling to his fingers._

_Why was he the only one to cry?_

Red could feel heat rising in his cheeks. "I hate dogs!" he blurted, lying.

"Ugh, whatever," Lavi said. The hand that had been on his neck now moved to rub his face. "Just, look. Apologize to Lenalee, okay?"

"Apologize?" Red spluttered. He gave Lavi a horrified look. "No way in hell! She slapped me, remember?"

"After you threw Johnny to the ground. You should say sorry to him too," Lavi pointed out. "But he probably forgives you already anyway. It's just, Lenalee sees the Allen part of you as a major part of her world. Do you really want to destroy that?"

"There isn't an 'Allen' part to me," Red said mulishly. 

"I don't think 'Red' could have smiled like that," Lavi said, looking a bit sad. "That was Allen all over."

Oh, cripes. Had he fooled this idiot too? "That's not 'Allen.'"

"Oh, yes it was. And Allen apologizes when he screws up."

Red realized then that he'd never get out of this if he didn't make an attempt at an apology. "Fine," he growled.

"Fine?"

"Fine, I'll say sorry to them!" And with that, Red stalked off in the direction Johnny had come from, Lavi waving after him.


	4. unfortunate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To anyone upset about Lenalee's actions last chapter, yeah, I'll agree they aren't great. It's not her at her best. But Lenalee always reacts really badly when someone around her seems to be disappearing - and I think 'Allen' suddenly treating one of his friends poorly would be the tipping point for her to have a freak out over Red overtaking Allen. Doesn't excuse it, but I hope that explanation makes sense?
> 
> Also, holy crap, I have at least one person coming over from ff? That's amazing, I'm glad that something that I initially wrote so long ago is still interesting today. Thank you!!

By this point, Red had probably memorized the entirety of the damn door: heavy wood, dense, probably oak; some sort of fancy pattern carved all along it; a similar fancy pattern on the handle; and the whole thing tall enough for a good sized man to walk through and still wear a top hat.

This was the door Red stood in front of, attempting valiantly to avoid the task at hand. He felt as if he needed an excuse of some sort, but he wasn't sure what it should be. He hesitated, unable to make himself reach for the handle.

_Bam!_

The door slammed open, right into Red's face.

"Fuck!" he cried, reeling backward and clutching his stinging nose. "What sort of half-baked idiot - "

"An idiot better baked than the one standing right in front of a door that opens outward?" someone snapped back. A man in a white coat popped his head out from behind the door. He blinked and said, "Wait. Allen?"

"Reever," Red vaguely recognized. Man looked like death warmed over, but as far as he knew, that was Reever's usual state. Red offered him a wan smile and said, "I've been in a bit of a...mood, today, I guess."

"I'll say," Reever said, scratching his head. "Never would have thought you's have such a tongue on you, though Johnny mentioned something to that effect. Look, sorry about hitting you with the door - but I have to find Komui ASAP. He was going on about another Komurin a while ago and I need to make sure he doesn't start. There's ice in the department if you need it."

"You have ice but no coffee maker?" Red asked, feeling his nose. Well. It wasn't bleeding, but it did hurt like hell.

"So it goes," Reever sighed at him. And with that, he took off.

Red turned back to the door. "Get a move on," he muttered to himself. Before someone else also slammed it open into him. 

Red pulled open the door and walked into the special kind of hell that was the Science Division. It was a mess of papers, open books, beakers, tweezers, other strange scientific implements Red didn't know the names of, empty coffee mugs, and broken pencils. People in white lap coats bustled about or sat at desks, writing.

Red walked over to one who seemed relatively free. "Could you tell me where Lenalee is?"

"Oh, you're Allen, right? Feeling better? If it's Lenalee you want, she is back with Johnny at his desk." The man jerked a thumb in the general direction then went back to his book.

"Thanks," Red said, faking another smile although the man was no longer looking at him. He made his way towards Johnny's desk, avoiding the precarious piles of scientific instruments everywhere.

There they were. Lenalee and Johnny were talking with each other, bending over some project of Johnny's. Johnny said something and Lenalee laughed, raising a hand to cover her mouth as she did so.

They looked...happy.

Red stood behind them, mesmerized. Grateful they hadn't turned to see him yet. This moment felt as fragile as a soap bubble.

So warm. 'Allen's' world was so warm. All Red remembered of his own was snow falling through frigid air, blood dampening brown fur, the white and red paint of a clown's makeup, the sound the wagon wheel made as it rolled over a swiftly cooling body, his broken fingernails, pain, the crescent moon as sly as a grin, the stars, the distant sky.

Maybe he made some sort of noise. He didn't know. He was pulled out of his reverie when Lenalee started and turned around. "Allen? Why are you here?"

Oh, her voice had grown very, very cold.

"I wanted to talk to you." Red shifted his weight from foot to foot, fighting the urge to run. "To say sorry."

"It's okay!" Johnny said brightly. "I know you didn't mean to hurt me."

Red ducked his head. "Yeah. I didn't."

"Johnny." Lenalee's voice was as crisp as a winter morning. "Can you leave us for a minute?"

"Hmm?" Johnny paused, looking between them, then nodded. "Sure, I can see if Cash needs help with anything."

Once he was gone, Lenalee marched forward to stand about a foot and a half away from Red. She crossed her arms and said, quietly but angrily, "Well? What do you want, _Red_?"

Red resisted the urge to shrink back from her fury. 

But he just didn't know what to say. He knew it had to be something sincere, and something pretty. But 'Allen's' words - _Mana's_ words - were failing him.

He just had himself.

"Look," he started, then stopped. He tried again, "I do mean to say I'm sorry."

Lenalee's shoulders dropped, just a little. "You're sorry?"

"Somewhat. Yes. But, you gotta cut me some slack. I'm trying, it's just - this is all fucked up."

"That's not really an apology," Lenalee told him, but she didn't really sound too angry anymore.

"I know." Red tried to collect his thoughts, but when he spoke, the words came spilling out of him like water from a busted dam. "I don't need friends. Don't want 'em either. I can't wait 'til I'm gone from here and I don't have to deal with anyone anymore. You - you and all the others, you're 'Allen's' friends, not mine. I'm not him, no matter how much you'd rather I were. Guess that's what I'm really sorry for. 'Allen' is better than me; it's obvious to anyone with half a brain. I can see why you'd rather have him here, but for now you gotta make do with me.

"I'm not as good a talker as him, and I don't tend to talk pretty even when I know how to. I don't need friends, like I said. And I definitely don't need you to take pity or some crap like that and try an' be friends with me. For now, just accept I ain't him, and I guess I gotta accept that I'm stuck here 'til...I don't know when. We just gotta live with each other for now."

At this point, Red's eyes were shut tight, his head pitched downward. It wasn't an apology. Not really. He knew that. But it was the most sincere thing he had it in him to say.

And he could hear her footsteps walking away.

...he'd blown it. Should've just lied, said something pretty. Fuck.

Red jumped as something cold touched his cheek and nose. He yelped and scrambled backwards. In his haste to get away, he tripped over a stack of books, which collapsed on top of him, knocking the wind right out of him. Red looked up with wild eyes to see Lenalee standing above him, a packet of ice in her hand. Her eyes were as wide as his own, thought she looked more surprised than anything else.

"You okay?" she asked, reaching a hand out to help Red up. He didn't take it, still struggling to regain his breath. As soon as he felt like he could breathe normally again, he stood up and dusted himself off on his own.

He let her apply the ice to his face, grumbling, "I think your damn Order is shortening my life expectancy."

Startled, Lenalee laughed.

"Wha - why are you laughing?"

Lenalee quieted, before shaking her head. "You really aren't him. He'd never say such a thing."

Red groaned. "Look, 'm sorry, okay? I know you'd rather - "

"I don't hate you, I hope you realize that," Lenalee said, cutting him off. HEr gaze was surprisingly soft as she looked at him. "I still want the old Allen back, but I don't hate you. And I'm sorry I made it seem otherwise."

"...I don't get it."

"I mean, I think we have to work on this together."

"This? What the hell are you talking about?"

"Well," Lenalee said, pressing the ice harder against his nose. "I have to learn to try and understand and accept you. You have to learn how to be friends with us."

"You gotta be kidding me," Red said flatly, wincing at the pressure. "I won't. There ain't no how, ain't no way."

"I'm serious!" Lenalee insisted.

"You aren't. Not really." Red's voice was harsh. He didn't want to say this, but he didn't want her to believe this damn fool thing either. "It's a lie, and worse, it's to yourself too. It's better to just leave this alone. Leave _me_ alone."

"We can still be friends," Lenalee said.

Red stayed silent, staring resolutely at the wall. There were diagrams of the inner workings of golems and other robots pasted up there, none of which made any sense to him. Still, that was more sense than Lenalee made right then.

"Please, let's just try our best," Lenalee said. Then, she added, "Red."


	5. sinking feeling

“You can _ not _ be fucking serious!”

“Don’t curse!”

It was fast approaching noon and Red could feel his head ache even more fiercely. “Fine. You cannot be serious,” he amended himself dutifully. “Look. Lenalee. I can speak pretty just fine if I put my mind to it.”

“The problem,” Lenalee replied, “Is habit. You keep slipping back into curses and other rough talk. If you’re still doing that when Link comes back from Central, then, um. How did you put it?”

“The gig is up,” Red mumbled. 

“Yes, exactly.” Lenalee nodded.

“I get it, okay? Now can you just lay off it?”

“Red, if we just work at this a little more, then you can get by without suspicion! That’s good, right?” She smiled at him.

Red scratched his head, avoiding the sore parts. “There’s a couple things I’m not getting here. Why do you care so much? And why are you calling me Red?”

Lenalee held up one index finger. “There’s just one answer: because I really do want to become friends with you.”

“I said, I don’t want your pity!” he snarled.

“I’m not pitying you!” she hissed back. “It just that - “

Lenalee was interrupted by the low rumble of Red’s stomach. He flushed, muttering, “The hell is with this?”

Lenalee giggled.

“What?” he snapped.

“You haven’t caught up to your stomach yet, I guess. It’s gotta be tough; you didn’t use your Innocence as a kid, right?”

Red blinked. “Is that it? What I ate this morning would’ve been a few weeks of meals when I was a kid, if they were some pretty good weeks.

“Weeks?!” Lenalee shrieked.

“Probably more,” Red said, shrugging. He watched her cautiously. He had no idea why she was reacting as she was. “Not such a big deal, is it? If you ask me, it’s way crazier that your ‘Allen’ can eat small countries outta hearth and home in the space of a day and a half.”

Lenalee stared at him. But before Red could ask what was up, she grabbed his sleeve and said firmly, “Let’s go to lunch.”

As soon as he stepped inside the cafeteria again, Red froze, stock still. Lenalee took a few steps more before realizing he wasn’t following. She turned back to him and said something, but he couldn’t parse it. There was just too much going on in his skull.

The cafeteria was full of people ‘Allen’ knew, and every time Red’s gaze landed on another face, ‘Allen’s’ memories flooded him: a man with a white cowlick, stark against otherwise black hair, that was Krory, who had bitten ‘Allen’ once - a man with bandages on his arms and a friendly, square face, one of many finders ‘Allen’ knew well, this one named Johann - another named Gustave - and many more - a boy with a bratty look about him and a jewel stuck right smack dab in the middle of his forehead, that was Timothy - a large man with dark skin, blind Marie, always hearing everything - a woman who often looked as tired as Reever, her name was Miranda, a powerful exorcist who lacked confidence - and these were just a few of many - 

Red sat down hard on the floor. His fingers found the cool tile below him, and the dust. He looked up with wide eyes.

Lenalee bent over him, concern written all over her face. “You’re sweating!”

Her words floated above him, as if he were underwater.

“Allen?”

“Holy crap, Allen, are you okay?”

Hands burying themselves in the thin layer of dust on the floor, Red said, “How can he - how can he know so many, no, be  _ friends _ with so many people?”

“Are you - “

Red’s eyes rolled upwards, into the black.

_ Snow blanketed the earth, had long since been trampled into mud. It was bitterly cold. He was bitterly cold, bitterly cold beside the grave. Only the clown sitting beside him radiated warmth. _

_ “Did Cosimo beat you?” _

_ “Shut up!” _

_ The boy turned his head away, angry. He didn’t want to hear some man who had never been anything like him attempt to sympathize with him. The clown was something of a star - that’s why Cosimo had killed Allen. And Red? He was pathetic, the circus’s dangling clinker. _

_ “Do you have any friends?” _

_ “SHUT UP!”  _

_ He glared at the clown, incensed. Then he turned back to stare at the grave. _

_ “Who cares ‘bout this damn hell hole anyway? As soon as I can, I’m gonna be out of here and livin’ on my own. I don’t need friends!” _

_ For the next few minutes, the clown tried to make the boy laugh, but the boy was wary of such things. They ended up facing away from each other. _

_ The silence stretched. _

_ Eventually, the boy’s annoyed expression softened. _

_ “Hey. Why aren’t you crying?” _

_ “I’m so sad I could die. But I can’t cry. Maybe my tears all dried up long ago, but I just can’t cry, no matter what.” _

_ The boy’s mouth twisted down again. _

_ “The hell? That’s so stupid.” _

_ And so the evening grew colder. _

_ “Why - “ _

“Why am I the only one crying?” Red murmured.

Wait. This wasn’t right. He wasn’t a child anymore. Allen had died years and years ago. Red had just gone to the Black Order cafeteria, gotten overwhelmed and - 

His head was in someone’s lap.

His  _ head _ was in someone’s  _ lap _ .

“Shit!” Red sat up abruptly, narrowly missing smashing his forehead into the lap owner’s chin.

“Allen!” Miranda. She still had a hand on his arm, and he would have shaken her off if it hadn’t been his bad arm. He stared at her hand with wide eyes, feeling the warmth seeping through his sleeve. Why was someone who knew about what his arm was like touching him there?

Lenalee knelt by him. “Do you know where you are?”

“The...cafeteria,” he answered, not able to look away from Miranda’s hand.

Lenalee smiled at him in the corner of his eye. “Good. Do you want to go to the infirmary or do you want to eat something?”

Red’s stomach rumbled again. “Food,” he said definitively. Finally he pulled his arm out from under Miranda’s hand. The loss of warmth was painful. “I can stand.”

He actually wasn’t totally sure he could stand, but damn him if he wasn’t gonna try. 

Eventually, with a little support from Lenalee and Miranda, he did manage to stand. They guided him over to a nearby table, where a few other exorcists were already sitting. Red found himself seated between Lavi and Timothy.

“I’ll order for you,” Lenalee said, patting his shoulder before walking away. Miranda seated herself on the other side of the table.

Lavi watched him carefully. “You okay?”

Red shrugged. “Head wounds.” Those caused people to pass out, right?

Lavi grinned, that easy, insincere grin. “Well, you did manage to get a pretty nasty one.”

“Yeah,” Red said noncommittally. 

“Is everything alright?” Krory asked, learning across the table. “We heard Komui calling you to his office on the G.A. System this morning. We didn’t even know you were up yet.”

“Oh, he just needed me to talk about…” Red trailed off, unsure of a good lie. “Stuff,” he finished lamely. 

“Stuff?” Another voice said, suspiciously. Red had to look down the table to see Chaoji, who he only knew didn’t like ‘Allen’ at all. ...why was that? “What stuff?”

“Just, stuff!” Red snapped.

A couple of the other exorcists flinched. Miranda in particular looked nervous when she said tremulously, “A-Allen?”

Red sighed, trying to school his expression. 

Apparently, it didn’t work, because Chaoji then said, “You’re not him.”

“What?”

“You. You’re not Allen.”


End file.
